I have been a parent now for over thirty four years. When I first became one, I was somewhat overwhelmed by the whole experience. I was barely housebroken myself, and the notion of being responsible for feeding and cleaning a child was dizzying, not to mention the duty to turn this little person into a real human being. Thirty four years and change later and I still feel as inept and overwhelmed as I did back then. I still realize each day that we have never been at this point before.
I love both of my now-adult children and I am proud of them. Both of them are kind, considerate, creative, funny, and intelligent. They are capable people and they are responsible, informed, politically astute citizens. Yet, I worry. Greatly. All the time. My heart aches when either of them faces struggle or hardship. I swear and rant when I think the world is being unfair to them. I am their dad and I want to kick anyone’s ass when they, in my perception, mistreat my children. Of course, I never do. There will be no kicking of asses at this point. My latent fantasy for physical violence will stay locked safely between my ears, but I might still get mad as hell. I can’t help that because I am their dad. I often feel fiercely powerful and impotent at the same time when it comes to trying to forge their happiness. I can’t help that either, because I am their dad.
I think of the many struggles, challenges, and mistakes of my own early life and I break my brain trying to keep them both from those stumbles. Still, I keep doing it because their happiness, fulfillment, and well-being matter more to me than my own ever will. I can’t help that because I will always be their dad.
I can usually find some words for most subjects. I can form a thought or express a sentiment in a serviceable manner. It’s not so easy, though, when it comes to describing the awesome sense of duty for this job. I thought it would be easier by now. It isn’t. I thought I wouldn’t ache so much inside for their pursuit of happiness. I ache still. I thought by this stage in life that I could relax and breathe easy as they navigate the roads and rivers of their own existence. Those roads and rivers are often uncharted for creative people. I still want to map the unmappable for them, as I always likely will. Because I am their dad.
It seems that the “easy” part of being a parent may never happen. That’s okay, I guess. Despite being surprised by the duration and durability of this challenge, I am grateful and honored to be in this role. No matter how old they get or how old I get, I will always yearn with all my might for their happiness. I think I am finally starting to accept that. It will always be this way because I will always be their dad.
This End Up 